How to be Kind Despite the Lucifer Effect

Imagine being kind to a lifelong friend. And then one day, you pay a gang to beat him up.

I once had a conversation with an Indian man in his early 50s. He is larger than me, yet he has a soft, fatherly voice. In fact, he is a father; his youngest child was still in school.

At one point, our conversation was interrupted by a phone call.

When he answered it, his voice changed. It became commanding. After he hung up, he laughed coldly. His breaths sounded heavier. He said the hairs on his forearm stood up.

That call was from a gang leader he paid. They just ‘taught a lesson’ to his close friend, someone he had known for 30 years.

Months before, the friend convinced him to invest in a metal recycling business. He later found out that the friend had cheated on him.

He lost almost all of his family savings. His voice cracked when he said he had to ask his daughter to work instead of going to university. It reveals the pain of a father who had to ask his daughter to abandon her dreams.

The police weren’t very helpful (he suspected that the case officer was bought off). When he confronted his friend, the friend threatened to hire someone to kill him.

I was quiet.

Being an introvert, even light conversations take me a lot of energy. And this was anything but light. I had no idea what’s the most helpful thing to say.

After a few minutes, all I managed was telling him about a friend I lost, and how it has impacted me. Her death was so unexpected — a forceful reminder about how temporary life is. I said some battles are not worth spending our short life on. Because they don’t take us closer to peace; they just drag us deeper into the abyss.

He apologised for making me uncomfortable by sharing that story. I told him I didn’t mind. I just hope our conversation somehow helped him.

As I was leaving him, he told me that he’s not a bad person.

I don’t think he is.

And it isn’t my place to judge him either way.

To be kind is to climb uphill

Because we live in a world where others hurt us, sometimes it takes so much energy to be kind.

It is easier to go down the hill, to see the justifications for hurting someone with the words we say, or the things we do (‘They started it. They deserve it’).

Reflecting on the harrowing conversation, three practical lessons occur to me:

1. Our environment affects us more than we think

It is easy to believe that we will always be as kind (more or less) as we are today. But is it true?

If we are continuously being wronged, will that change us?

The answer is most likely yes, because of the Lucifer Effect¹A commonly cited demonstration is the Stanford Prison Experiment. The experiment has been criticised on methodological grounds. For instance, see Kulig, T. C., Pratt, T. C., & Cullen, F. T. (2017). Revisiting the Stanford Prison Experiment: A case study in organized skepticism. Journal of Criminal Justice Education, 28(1), 74-111 (full text). It does not mean the Lucifer Effect does not exist (i.e. that the null hypothesis is confirmed). It simply means we are having a hard time replicating it, and therefore should not be unquestionably relying on this experiment alone. The experiment was conducted by Professor Philip Zimbardo. He gave a TED talk on The Psychology of Evil.. To put simply, it refers to how bad environments can turn us evil.

It doesn’t mean we fall from being an archangel to the prince of Hell in one day. The descent is gradual — perhaps from quietly suppressed frustrations, to sarcasms, to rudeness, to verbal aggressiveness, to physical violence.

So, the first practical lesson is to be acutely aware of our surroundings.

For example, consider this question: Does your home or workplace nurture you psychologically, or subtly poisoning it?

• How has it changed you? Perhaps talk to someone who has known you long before you live or work in your current environment.

• What’s the likelihood of it slowly turning you cruel and harsher?

• Should you stay and fight to make things better, or should you leave before you become spiritually sick and can’t recover?

2. Make it easier for others to be kind

From another vantage point, think about how we contribute to counter the Lucifer Effect.

We do this by constantly reminding ourselves of one crucial truth: The ways we treat others have ripple effects.

If we hurt a friend, especially if we are more dominant, she might not do anything to us in return. But the pain may influence her to be rude to her brother later. Then the brother, consequently, may vent his anger at his daughter. Then, the next day, the daughter may unleash that resentment towards her teacher.

Sure, we could say it’s not our fault. But that’s irrelevant; it’s not about blame.

It’s about what we can do to create conducive environments where it is easier to be kind, and to have kindness ripple away from where we are.

We are all imperfect. And often we’re under such a stress where kindness seems like an unaffordable moral luxury. We need to help one another.

Make being kind easier.

3. Anchor kindness in what transcends the environment

The first two principles I mentioned before relate to the external solutions.

Internally, we must bind our kindness to something beyond the environment. Anchor it in what you personally consider the Absolute Source of objective moral values and duties.

If you anchor it in anything else (your feelings, current social trends, political correctness etc.), it will not be strong enough to keep you from being swept away.

We do this, firstly, by gradually learning our Creed (ʿaqīdah) or the metaphysical worldview that underpins our morality. That establishes a firm link between what we encounter in life and what it means²Learning the theoretical aspects of Creed and Metaphysics are not enough. It needs to be complemented with the constant purification of the self (tazkiyyah al-nafs). The state you are aiming for is hard to put into words. I have tried to convey it through the allegory The Sister of the North..

Secondly, we reinforce kindness with daily actions. We train our brain to automatically activate that behavioural pattern. Be kind whenever possible, even in tiny ways.

Light your lamp

Ultimately, if you want your home to always have light, you don’t hope for the bright day to stop turning into the dark night. Rather, you light your own lamp.

To embody kindness, don’t hope for the absence of the darkness outside. The illumination has to be kindled within.

Notes:

• 1
  A commonly cited demonstration is the Stanford Prison Experiment. The experiment has been criticised on methodological grounds. For instance, see Kulig, T. C., Pratt, T. C., & Cullen, F. T. (2017). Revisiting the Stanford Prison Experiment: A case study in organized skepticism. Journal of Criminal Justice Education, 28(1), 74-111 (full text). It does not mean the Lucifer Effect does not exist (i.e. that the null hypothesis is confirmed). It simply means we are having a hard time replicating it, and therefore should not be unquestionably relying on this experiment alone. The experiment was conducted by Professor Philip Zimbardo. He gave a TED talk on The Psychology of Evil.
• 2
  Learning the theoretical aspects of Creed and Metaphysics are not enough. It needs to be complemented with the constant purification of the self (tazkiyyah al-nafs). The state you are aiming for is hard to put into words. I have tried to convey it through the allegory The Sister of the North.