A Learner’s Guide to Mastering Forgiveness (When It is Bloody Hard)

Embodying forgiveness is difficult at times; our mind knows that resentment is a cancerous aspect of the ego, but our heart refuses to let it go.

When I am struggling with it, I guide myself with these ideas.

Of course, these ideas are not apps that we can click and make us forgive immediately. As with mastering other skills in life, learning forgiveness takes time.

It is never easy, but it can be done. And the peace that comes with it is worth the effort.

1. Bring awareness to it early

Our instinct wants us to run away from the pain of thinking about it.

We just want to quietly swear at that person, and then shove that anger into a damp, dark corner of our hearts.

But that is harmful, even if you don’t think you are going to interact with that person again.

It is like a virus that takes over a cell to produce more of its kind. The unresolved, painful feeling will create more like it.

It then blackens your perception. You will begin to see more bad things about that person, whether or not it’s true.

Later, your mind will start generalising it. Your mind start to throw the same judgement to people like that person, people of their race or religion.

So, the first step is to bring your awareness to it. Observe that angry voice in your head — especially the story it tells.

Notice you are not that angry voice, you are not that story. You are the awareness behind both.

2. Notice the space of choice

We all have patterns. Have you met people who always, somehow, find something wrong with the things you do? Or a joker friend, who makes you laugh even when the situation wasn’t funny in the first place?

These patterns are easier to see in others — much trickier to see in ourselves. But when you hear yourself saying,

‘Of course I’m mad. They said this and did that!’

you are actually observing your pattern: situation X must lead to my reaction Y.

Learning spiritual maturity involves discovering the space between situations and reactions: the space of choice.

In Sufi psychology (tasawwuf), practices like remembrance (dhikr) are meant for the expansion of this space. You breathe slowly and deeply, while whispering words that are sacred to you personally.

Use the space to explore your own pattern of reaction: X does not always need to lead to Y.

3. There is more than what you see

When you are upset, your emotion limits your attention.

Your perceptual filter will only record things that support what you’re feeling. This is known in as ‘confirmation bias’. It is when you unconsciously see only evidence which confirms what you want to believe to be true.

It affects your interpretation and memory recall. If someone does 9 good things and 1 wrong thing, your mind will capture and expand that 1 thing.¹

To bring you a step closer to forgiveness, remind yourself of a simple truth:

The person in front of you has more going on in their life than what you know. They are suffering from something that you don’t fully understand.

It helps you extend your compassion towards that person, despite what they’ve done to you.

This, ironically, is harder when that person is family or someone close. Because you see them often, and you think you know everything that’s going on in their life.

But you don’t.

Because two people can go through the same external circumstances but have two diametrically different internal experiences. There is an entire universe going on in each of us.

After all, we are with our own self 24 hours a day, and even then we sometimes don’t fully understand our own thoughts and emotions. Do we really think we know more about someone else’s?

4. They are ‘missing the mark’

They were doing their best when they upset you. By that, I don’t mean what they did is acceptable.

If it were, you probably wouldn’t have been upset in the first place. And rectifying the situation might indeed involve harsh justice (punishments, legal actions).

But your response must arise from wisdom, not revenge. It should be closer to,

‘This is my response to stop it from happening again’,

instead of,

‘They deserve it, and it makes me feel better when they suffer.”

Another step to forgiveness is realising that we all are, within our imperfections, doing our best to be good.

Sins in Arabic, khaṭīyah, means ‘missing the mark’.

In Islam, when someone is sinning, he aims for the good. Like an archer who stands on the hilltop, bowstring drawn back, he aims for the target, but missing the mark, making a mistake.

The mistakes come from our limitations:

i. Biological limitations.

They may do something hurtful to you because they are exhausted, psychologically unbalanced, or biochemically unstable. If they are teenagers or in their early 20s, their prefrontal cortex might have not fully developed yet, compromising their ability to make sound decisions.²

ii. Educational limitations.

Their rules of engagement with the world may differ from yours. They don’t know what you know. They may not have the language or communication skills to express themselves appropriately. Your assumption that ‘They should know this, it’s common sense’ may seem clear to you, but it’s not necessarily true. You need to communicate it to them, even when you think it is obvious.

iii. Spiritual limitations.

This is more challenging. Because this is when they are intentionally hurting you, perhaps out of jealousy, out of fear, or just out of evil. Here, forgiveness demands a more sophisticated awareness on your part. Remind yourself that they are not there yet spiritually. Guide them if you can. If you can’t, distance yourself from them. In either case, forgiving them is an opportunity to deepen your own spirituality.

5. Zoom out your camera

Re-examine your view of the situation. Specifically, think of your perspective as a camera, then zoom out from the immediacy of the situation.

From that wider angle, you may realise that, in the grand scheme of your life, that thing you’re upset about is not that important.

You may decide that your life is meant for greater things, and you want to liberate yourself from such a tiny negative event. Ask yourself,

‘If I’m dying, would this be the thing I want to spend my life worrying about?’

Now, that question seems like an exaggeration – but it isn’t. We are, at every second, edging closer to death. Each moment is valuable. Each moment you spend on resentment is the same moment that could have been spent on experiences that bring you peace.

Learn to master forgiveness. Not necessarily because they deserve it, but because you deserve peace.

Notes:

1
See Confirmation Bias in Britannica.
2
It even affects their decisions legally. See Diekema, D. S. (2020). Adolescent Brain Development and Medical Decision-making. Pediatrics, 146(Supplement 1), S18-S24 (full text); Blakemore, S. J., & Robbins, T. W. (2012). Decision-making in the adolescent brain. Nature Neuroscience, 15(9), 1184-1191