As you grow older, you develop a quiet freedom: ‘I care less about people’s opinions than I did years ago.’ But this freedom isn’t automatic.
It demands a commitment to lifelong learning about yourself, so you develop self-awareness.
Self-awareness acts as your emotional immunity. The more you understand your values, priorities, and blind spots, the better you detect harmful opinions before they infect you.
Over the years, I’ve accelerated this process through practical steps:
- Pause after emotionally charged comments.
Most comments might not trigger you. The ones that do hold a clue. Ask, ‘Why did this bother me? What does it reveal about what I care about?’1This is useful especially if the comments are by people you don’t like. See People You Don’t Like Make You Better. - Track emotional patterns.
Collect your answers. Notice recurring themes—why does one type of criticism trigger you while another doesn’t? These patterns are windows into your unexpressed beliefs. - Support their criticisms.
Explore why their negative opinions might be valid. This is dangerous if overdone, but it helps you confront the discomfort of potential truths.2Focus your self-criticisms on behaviours, rather than you as a person. See Constructive criticism that works. - Defend yourself with reason.
Next, pretend you’re a barrister in the court of your mind. Rationally defend yourself against these criticisms. Remember, you live with yourself every moment. Use this knowledge to assess whether their opinions are logical. - Use the results to improve.
Even after rationally defending yourself, you may find that some criticisms are justified. Don’t be in denial. Instead, use that hurtful realisation to improve yourself.
Of course, there are negative things about you that are too genetically or environmentally determined and cannot be changed.
In the classic show Game of Thrones, there’s a dwarf character, Tyrion. He’s mocked for being short. He meets Jon, who is insecure about being a bastard of a noble family.
Tyrion teaches Jon to accept their imperfections:
‘Never forget what you are, the rest of the world will not. Wear it like armour, and it can never be used to hurt you.’
Accept your unchangeable imperfections, so you’re emotionally armoured, and you can focus on better, improvable aspects of your life.
Remember, freedom from others’ judgments doesn’t come from fighting and shouting against criticisms. It comes from knowing yourself profoundly enough to render them powerless.
Own your story, and no one can rewrite it.
Notes:
- 1This is useful especially if the comments are by people you don’t like. See People You Don’t Like Make You Better.
- 2Focus your self-criticisms on behaviours, rather than you as a person. See Constructive criticism that works.